Joke of month

Apparently the
> police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said “ I
> don’t know exactly but put me down for a 5…”
>
>
> What’s the
> difference between a car and a golf ball? *
> Tiger can drive a ball
> 400yds
>
>
> It was just
> reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger’s wife to
> pick up some tips on how
> to beat Tiger
>
>
> What does an
> arctic seal pup and Tiger Woods have in common….?
> *They have both been
> beaten with a club by a Norwegian*

Wife From Hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's been drinking!'

Got these in an email:


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

================

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started.....

================

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....

================

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......

================

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started......
================

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

================

I rear-ended a car this morning..
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

this one FTW!

And now for a little Christmas humor.




When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas
pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the
cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into
hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get
the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the
broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked
it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause?




Santa Clause Stops after 3 Ho's....HO HO HO MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

but....but....that's just because Tiger's more famous than Santa, he needs mo hoz.

A man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... .



Are my test results - back ?

This made me laugh REAL HARD.




It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there Goes
out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"................ Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

Tiger:

Apologies to bigbadbob and JD.





Having already downed a few power drinks, she
turned around, faced him,looked him straight in the eye and
said, 'Listen here
good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car,
Front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting
down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it
doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever
since I got out of college and I just love
it.'





Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, 'No
kidding. I'm
a lawyer too. What firm are you
with?'

Courtesy of our old buddy Billdawg.


A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', and
strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap
tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to
where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sherriff's Department.

After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him
into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy says: "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So
far your qualifications all look good. But we have what you call an
'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief
says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six democrats,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

The winner here.

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?" After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course,and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring, he was really upset. By this time the gorilla had taken off running. The gorilla knew he had to think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion. Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's camp. The gorilla put on the hunter's shirt and hat, and sat on a log, pretending to read the paper. A few minutes later, the lion ran in said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, almost shaking trying to contain his laughter sputtered out "You mean the one that just screwed the lion in the ass?" Flabbergasted, the lion said, "Holy Shit! It's in the paper already?"

The top ten C&W songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long

Ha!

I always liked Roy Clark's "Thank God and Greyhound You're Gone." After my divorce in '94 that I didn't want, when the awakening on my part occurred, this song took on new meaning.

FDA approves depressant drug. Some language NSFW:

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