Joke of month

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Jul 9, 2011
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Carlos, TX
My comment was intended less as a criticism of the joke and more as a realization that there are probably people on here who aren't old enough to remember that that was a Clinton joke back in the day.

Sorry - I'm just a smart --- some time.....maybe a lot of the time. I heard it first as a Clinton joke as well; just updated for the times.
 
Jul 9, 2011
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Carlos, TX
Bob comes in to the clubhouse bar, sits down and says "Joe, gimme a double quick".

"Tough round of golf?" Joe the bartender asks as he pours Bob a drink.

"You don't know how bad" says Bob, "First, I got caught in traffic and missed my tee time with my Saturday foursome. I decided to go ahead and get in line and play anyway, and the starter matched me up with this old man named Henry - had to be 70 or more - and he wouldn't ride in a cart. He insisted on walking the course." Bob downs the drink. "And Henry was slower than hell. We're letting everybody play through because he walks so slow. We get back to the 7th green, as far away from the friggin' clubhouse as you can get, and he keels over with a heart attack!"

"That's awful!' Joe pours Bob another double.

"You're telling me! For 11 holes - hit the ball, drag Henry; hit the ball, drag Henry........."
 
Jul 9, 2011
2,757
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Carlos, TX
Probably my favorite clean non-golf joke:

A young man took the wrong path, committed a crime, was caught and sentenced to a number of years in prison. His first day out of the cell in the common area he set down next to a grizzled old veteran convict - thinking the old man had been there a while and could show him the ropes.

The convicts were talking for a while when one of them said "that's just like 64!" and all the convicts laughed. A few minutes later another convict was talking about a letter from home and he said "the letter's a 229". This time the other convicts roared, slapping their thighs and shaking their heads in mirth.

The young convict leaned over to the old man and asked "What's with the numbers?"

"Well son, most of us are serving long sentences and we've been together for years. We don't get much contact with the outside. We found ourselves telling the same old jokes over and over." The old man smiled. "So rather than taking the time to tell the entire joke every time, we numbered the good ones. Now we can just say the number and all the other convicts know which joke your talkin' about".

"How many ya got?" asked the new young convict.

"463 jokes" answered the old man.

The young convict listened the convesation for a while. Then he leaned over to the old convict and asked "You think I could tell one?"

"Sure young feller, jump on in."

The young convict waited a while, then he said loudly, "Well that reminds me of 255".

The young convict was greeted with absolute silence. The other convicts stared at him for a few seconds, then resumed their coversation. The young convict leaned over to the old man and urgently whispered "What the hell did I do wrong?"

The old man shook his head sadly and replied, "Face it, son. Some people just can't tell a joke".
 

t1m0thy

Walker told me I have AIDS
Sep 3, 2008
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Tulsa
Probably my favorite clean non-golf joke:

A young man took the wrong path, committed a crime, was caught and sentenced to a number of years in prison. His first day out of the cell in the common area he set down next to a grizzled old veteran convict - thinking the old man had been there a while and could show him the ropes.

The convicts were talking for a while when one of them said "that's just like 64!" and all the convicts laughed. A few minutes later another convict was talking about a letter from home and he said "the letter's a 229". This time the other convicts roared, slapping their thighs and shaking their heads in mirth.

The young convict leaned over to the old man and asked "What's with the numbers?"

"Well son, most of us are serving long sentences and we've been together for years. We don't get much contact with the outside. We found ourselves telling the same old jokes over and over." The old man smiled. "So rather than taking the time to tell the entire joke every time, we numbered the good ones. Now we can just say the number and all the other convicts know which joke your talkin' about".

"How many ya got?" asked the new young convict.

"463 jokes" answered the old man.

The young convict listened the convesation for a while. Then he leaned over to the old convict and asked "You think I could tell one?"

"Sure young feller, jump on in."

The young convict waited a while, then he said loudly, "Well that reminds me of 255".

The young convict was greeted with absolute silence. The other convicts stared at him for a few seconds, then resumed their coversation. The young convict leaned over to the old man and urgently whispered "What the hell did I do wrong?"

The old man shook his head sadly and replied, "Face it, son. Some people just can't tell a joke".
Heh. That joke reminds me of 69.
 
Nov 9, 2009
808
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Tongue firmly in cheek.
28 Guy Rules

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying game".

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertianment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach. and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
 

jobob85

Drunkle
A/V Subscriber
Mar 11, 2009
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28 Guy Rules

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying game".
That movie needs to come with some kind of FFFuu king warning!!!!!
 

jobob85

Drunkle
A/V Subscriber
Mar 11, 2009
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As I was driving home worrying
about all the crap going on in Washington
and at how my life was falling apart
, I saw a yard sign that read:

NEED HELP? CALL JESUS.
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.​

A Mexican showed up with a lawn mower.​
 

bleedinorange

Federal Marshal
Jan 11, 2010
12,679
16,496
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Close, very close
Priceless.

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never
Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'

The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'

The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more Important than that.'

After a moment,the supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
 
Jul 15, 2010
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Dallas and Istanbul
"Now, watch closely," Johnson said excitedly. "When I press this button, the entire universe will jump back in time 10 seconds."

Johnson dramatically reached out and, with a firm but gentle push, pressed the button. There was a flash of light.

"Now, watch closely," Johnson said excitedly. "When I press this button, the entire universe will jump back in time 10 seconds."

Johnson dramatically reached out...
 
Jul 9, 2011
2,757
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66
Carlos, TX
Man walks into a bar carrying a small box and sets it on the bar. He says to the bartender,
"I bet you a free drink I have something in this box you have never seen before and will never see again". Curious, the bartender agrees to provide a free drink if the man can show him something truly unique.

The man opens the box. Inside is a tiny man and a tiny piano. The tiny man waves at the men, sits down, and begins to play the piano like nobody's business. Jazz, rock, classics, everything. The bartender agrees that the tiny pianist is one of a kind and serves up a free drink.

"Just how tall is that guy, and where on earth did you find him?"

The man sighs, "He's exactly 10 inches tall. I found a lamp on a deserted beach and rubbed it. A genie appeared and gave me three wishes...."

"Wait just a second" the bartender interrupted, "You wished for a 10 inch pianist!?!"

"Heck no" the man sighed again. "The genie misunderstood me".
 
Jul 15, 2010
2,305
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Dallas and Istanbul
The Baptist Cowboy
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Oklahoma, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Oklahoma , we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
 
Jul 15, 2010
2,305
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Dallas and Istanbul
My Favorite Animal.........


Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…
 

King Poke

Medical Mystery
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Aug 18, 2007
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Frisco, TX
The Importance of Listening Carefully
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"



Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."



He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"



Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"



The man pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... a r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"